My Man Sponges Off Of Me

Dear DoubleTake,
I have been with someone for 15 years. I love him deeply, but he is a sponge.
He never wants to help or give his part on anything, financially or otherwise. He always lies about everything, gambles and does not pay his bills.
He says works all the time and is never around and but never has any money.
I am tired of all this. I have put him in counseling, but it was no help. He thinks he is the victim.
So we have split up, and I am waiting for him to change. He is good guy, it's just that he is all about himself.

BETTY SAYS:

Breaking up for now is a good idea. It will give you time to straighten out your finances and figure out if you have the energy to move forward with someone who has caused you so much stress.

It's likely that his gambling led to many of your fights about money. So even if you do end up reconciling, be sure to keep your finances separate -- don't give him any loans. If he doesn't pay the cable bill, then the TV gets cut off. Don't fill in for his shortfalls.

Here's the crux of the problem: After 15 years, do you really expect him to change? What are your expectations? Asking someone to solve a gambling addiction, overcome selfishness and become more committed during one relationship hiatus is nearly impossible.

Figure out how you want to live the next few years of your life.

EDDIE SAYS:

You say he's a great guy ... except for not being able to take care of his own business or help you have the life you want?

What's so great about that? That's like saying, "I have a great car. I just wish it didn't burn oil and break down twice a week." Maybe it looks cool and impresses people sitting in your driveway, but it doesn't really add anything to your life.

Maybe he's a nice guy and a funny guy and a loving guy. But that often isn't enough to make someone that you can build the rest of your life with.

Moving away from someone you have a long history with can be very, very hard. But if you need more from a partner and he can't or won't change, then you probably need to end it, either now or sometime down the road.

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions. Double Take Archive:
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