Dear DoubleTake,
I have been dating a girl for the past five years, but recently our relationship has gotten a little rocky.
A few weeks back she started talking to another guy on instant messenger who she claims was an old friend. I didn't mind at first, as I assumed it was innocent, but after only a few days she started talking to him every free moment she had, including staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning talking to him.
A few weekends ago, she told me that she wanted to go away for the weekend with him, which involved going to a work dinner party, spending the night at his house and then spending a day at the museum with him.
Shortly after she dropped that bomb, she also made comments like, "When are you going away for work again?" which made me feel like she was trying to plan a time for her to spend time with him while I was out of town.
We had a big fight, because I felt like she doesn't enjoy the quality or quantity of the time she was spending with me. After the fight she stopped talking to him for a few days, but not even a week later she was staying up until the wee hours of the morning again.
We had another fight when I confronted her about it, and she tried to turn the table on me, saying I was being controlling. I honestly am not trying to be controlling and, innocent or not, I just have a big problem my girlfriend spending all of her time talking to another guy online. What should I do?

BETTY SAYS:

The dirty truth of love is that relationships evolve.

Five years is a long time, and you love her, but sometimes things just spin out of your control. Pick a side regarding her relationship with mystery man: It's either "I won't take this" or "I don't care about this."

But it sounds like you do care.

If she's experimenting outside your realm, maybe it's time to split up. Talk to her calmly about the possibility of breaking up and see what her reaction is. Her expression may tell it all, so move on from there. Who knows, maybe she'll spill the beans about who mystery man is after all.

Even if you do break up, just be glad that it ended without a bunch of cheating fiascoes.

Also, are you sure that mystery man isn't gay? You may be overreacting for nothing.

EDDIE SAYS:

Betty's right. Choose if this is a big deal or not. Some people say it shouldn't matter to you if it's not affecting your time together (and her not sitting next to you watching some show you like wouldn't count). Others say that even having friends of the opposite sex is suspicious.

I fall more toward the first view, and think others should, too. But that's not how it works for everyone.

Yes, this girl is showing a lot of signs of seriously considering crossing some lines, if she hasn't yet. Again, I'm talking about real-world lines, not just lines of text.

What you should do is try to talk with her without fighting. See if she can give you some honest feedback about how she feels about you and this other guy. Don't expect her to be able to give a straight answer right away. She may not know yet, and may not want to say too much, since it could hurt you, even if you can handle it eventually.

Just don't set any limits you aren't willing to stick with. If you say something means that you have to break up, stick with it.

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